It’s been an interesting journey since publishing my book on The 5 Rules in January of 2024, and after speaking and coaching on these rules across many organizations since then, there has been one question that comes up on many occasions that I’d like to expand on for this month’s leadership teaching.

But first, just as a refresher – here are The 5 Rules – these are 5 key behaviors that I believe can transform your culture, your team and your family. And in the grocery business, we’ve always coached to numbers, and I believe that if we’ll coach to behaviors, the numbers will be there.

1. Do Your Job:
   The power of reliability in a chaotic world.
2. Be Kind:
   Kindness as a cultural disruptor.
3. No Surprises:
   Building trust through transparency.
4. No Drama:
   Choosing clarity over chaos.
5. Protect the Brand:
   Living with integrity and purpose.

In the book, there are five life lessons under each rule that illustrates how you can bring that rule to life or understand it a little better, but for this lesson – we’ll just focus on the rule itself.

When I speak on each of the five rules, and get to Rule #2 – Be Kind – here are some of the things I talk about:

1. This rule formerly was “Be Nice”, however, many mistook that as being soft, so I changed it to “Be Kind” a few years ago.

Here is a little clarity on comparing the two words that will help explain more on how this unfolded:

Why “Be Kind” Resonates More in Leadership & Culture

• Kindness includes accountability: You can be kind and still hold someone to a high standard. Niceness might shy away from that.
• Kindness is active: It’s about doing what’s right, even when it’s hard. Niceness often defaults to what’s easy or agreeable.
• Kindness fosters growth: It supports others through challenge, feedback, and support. Niceness may prioritize comfort over development.
• Kindness aligns with courage: It takes bravery to be kind in tough moments—especially when kindness means saying “no” or offering constructive truth.
  
  2. I believe we are the least kind to those we love the most. Sadly, in the high-pressure world we live in, we tend to  “let down” when we get home and unfortunately, those we live with and love the most get the brunt of our day.

There is good news on this comment after coming back to many of the companies I’ve coached when I ask for testimonies on how things are going. Hands down, the #1 comment I get is that they have learned how to be “KINDER” at home to the ones they love the most. They feel so much better about this and honestly, most never realized what it was like to “be on the other side of me”.

The other big comment coming from these testimonies has been “My team is now kinder to each other – not so short and sometimes where they had been condescending, they are way more patient with each other.”

In homes where people are still raising children, it’s made a huge impact there too between the kiddos and the parents and between siblings! (How refreshing is that?)

The best testimony I’ve heard is that now just the word “KIND” has become of focus and common language of everyday life! That’s the power of the five rules – we hold each other accountable to live them!

So, here’s the question I get a lot in Q&A sessions:

When someone is mistaking your kindness for weakness how do you hold them accountable for meeting expectations?

Here is my response to that question:

“HOW you talk to them and treat them is where kindness comes in, and we can’t confuse kindness with lack of honesty. Don’t sugar coat the issue, and don’t’ over-exaggerate it either.

Holding someone accountable is about making sure they understand Rule #1 – Do YOUR Job.

I have had a few people over my career mistake kindness for weakness and below is how that unpacks:

Why Kindness Is Misinterpreted as Weakness

• Misunderstanding assertiveness: Some equate strength with dominance or aggression. So, when someone leads with kindness, they may be seen as lacking “edge” or authority.
• Fear of vulnerability: Kindness often involves emotional openness. In cultures or environments that prize stoicism or control, this can be viewed as naïve or soft.
• Exploitation mindset: People who operate transactionally may see kindness as an opportunity to take advantage, assuming the kind person won’t push back.
• Quiet leadership: Kind leaders who listen more than they speak, or who elevate others, may be overlooked in favor of louder, more self-promoting personalities.

The Strength Behind Kindness

• Requires courage: Being kind in the face of cruelty, competition, or indifference is an act of bravery.
• Demands emotional intelligence: Kindness involves reading situations, managing emotions, and responding with care—skills that are anything but weak.
• Builds trust and loyalty: In leadership, kindness fosters psychological safety, which leads to stronger teams and better outcomes.
• Sets boundaries with grace: True kindness isn’t about being a doormat—it’s about being firm without being harsh. My early mentor always said, “Be Fair, But Firm”.

For anyone reading this that has been in the grocery business for thirty or more years, knows how prevalent managing people has been in the past, as it was anything but kind. The old school way of managing by fear and control just simply doesn’t work anymore – and sadly – really never did.

By far, the biggest challenge anyone in retail is facing today is finding good people and keeping good people.

In the latest new leadership book I’ve recently finished and have already began using to help with this challenge is from Ryan Leak – titled, “How to Work with Complicated People”. (And by the way, we’re all complicated!)

In chapter 6 of his book, he talks about the 5 Q’s and how they connect people for better collaboration. (Which is the key to working with complicated people)

1. IQ – Intelligence Quotient – Intelligence & Knowledge, which we’ve all heard about for years.

2. EQ – Emotional Quotient – Emotions & Feelings, again – this has been talked about for years as well.

But he introduces us to 3 new Q’s:

3. AQ – Adaptability Quotient – Adaptability and Change – how well do you adjust when things change?

4. TQ – Tech Quotient – Technology and Innovation – how well you get technology, innovation and systems to help connect with your fellow team members.

5. DQ – Decency Quotient – Decency and Kindness – how well you treat those you work with and what your kindness level is.

On the DQ topic – in his book he references a study conducted by the University of California, Berkeley. It was a compelling 14-year longitudinal study that challenges the old adage “nice guys finish last.” Here’s what they found:

Study Overview

• Institutions Involved: UC Berkeley’s Haas School of Business and Department of Psychology
• Duration: Two separate studies spanning 14 years
• Participants: Individuals who completed personality assessments as undergraduates or MBA students at three universities
• Follow-Up: Researchers surveyed these individuals more than a decade later, assessing their workplace power, rank, and organizational culture

Key Findings

• Disagreeableness Doesn’t Help: People with selfish, combative, and manipulative traits were not more likely to attain power than those who were generous, trustworthy, and kind.
• No Advantage in Cutthroat Cultures: Even in highly competitive environments, disagreeable personalities didn’t gain an edge
• Extroverts Excelled: Traits like sociability, energy, and assertiveness were more predictive of career advancement
• Interpersonal Costs: Any potential gains from intimidation or dominance were offset by poor relationships and lack of trust

Implications

• Being a jerk doesn’t fast-track success — and it can actually hinder long-term influence and collaboration
• Organizations often still place disagreeable individuals in leadership roles, but they don’t outperform their more agreeable peers
• The study reinforces the value of emotional intelligence, trust-building, and generosity in leadership

This is a great study and in Ryan’s words out of this chapter:

“In other words, the bullies didn’t get any further ahead than the non-bullies. They just had more bodies under their bus”.

He goes on to say, “While there is much research that backs up the value of kindness in the workplace, you probably understand this intuitively, just by being a real human being with feelings and needs of your own. Think about your own employment experiences. What kind of boss do you respond best to: someone who bullies and intimidates you, or someone who respects and empowers you? What kind of work environment brings out the best in you and those you work with: a toxic cutthroat, dog-eat-dog culture, or one where teamwork is encouraged and people are allowed to thrive?”

“If you’re going to build a successful career, you need to focus on more than your IQ, EQ, AQ or TQ”.

I’ll finish with this thought and challenge for each of us:

“Be kind to unkind people. Be kind to kind People. Be kind to complicated people. Just be KIND! Period.”