I’m asked all the time this one question; “What’s the biggest challenge you see in our world today?”.
My answer is what I see and hear (or don’t see) in business, in politics, in families, and in life over-all as the biggest element of how the world could be a better place. The lack of civility.
“We need to bring civility back to life and live it in every relationship – with people you know and those you don’t know!”
Some definitions of Civility:
I dedicated a chapter in my book, The 5 Rules, named Civility – Where have you gone?
Some information from that chapter include, I wish every meeting room had a sign on the door. Something simple: “You Are Entering a Drama-Free Zone.”
I’ve thought about that sign for years, because I’ve sat in enough meetings to know what walks in when it isn’t there. Drama takes a seat at the table right along with everyone else, and it starts dropping bombs right and left. Someone feels attacked and says nothing in the room — then walks out and stirs things up with their group afterward, not to solve the issue, but to create a diversion from the real issue. I call that the behind-the-scenes character assassination, and I’ve watched it corrode more teams than any competitor ever could.
If the lack of civility had a child, its name would be drama. And drama has quietly moved into our stores, our meetings, and our homes.
Civility isn’t a soft skill you can skip because you’re busy hitting numbers. Civility includes the behaviors that help preserve the norms of mutual respect in the workplace — or in any community. It demands that we speak in ways that are respectful, responsible, and restrained. It means we avoid behavior that is offensive, rude, demeaning or threatening — even when we disagree, even when we’re frustrated, even when someone else started it.
This isn’t a new problem, and it isn’t just a grocery industry problem. In 2017, the incoming freshman class of the U.S. House of Representatives — Republicans and Democrats alike — agreed on something rare: civility had left their chambers, and they wanted it back. They declared it the Summer of Civility. Representatives who otherwise couldn’t agree on much signed a Commitment to Civility pledge, promising to act with respect and collegiality toward one another, even amid deep disagreement. As they put it at the time: “We are not naively calling for an end to partisanship. We are challenging all Americans to listen to each other more and to be more open to others’ perspectives.”
If members of Congress — people paid, in part, to disagree with each other for a living — could pause and recommit to civility, surely, we can do the same in our stores, our department meetings, and our homes. In the years since that pledge, civility seems to have left the building once again, in Washington and in plenty of break rooms across the country.
Civility and kindness are two sides of the same coin, and kindness is where leadership must begin. Let me be clear about what kindness is not. Being kind doesn’t mean being a pushover. It doesn’t mean you stop holding people accountable to do their job. Being kind means you don’t demean people with your tone, your word choices, or your actions.
Here’s a saying I come back to often: “I can tell you everything I need to know about you by the way you treat the person who can do nothing for you”. It’s easy to be nice to your boss, your regional VP, or your best customer. It’s not so easy to be kind to the slow cashier trainee, the demanding shopper at 10 p.m. on a closing time, or the coworker who is just plain difficult to be around.
But being kind isn’t always easy. It’s always right.
Being kind — and its close cousin, being coachable — isn’t about being naive about performance or letting standards slip. It’s about remembering that you never really know what someone else is carrying. A struggling team member might just need a little extra grace while they deal with something deep or very personal. Grace and accountability are not opposites. The best leaders I know do both at the same time.
In Chapter 4 of Proverbs, King Solomon — widely regarded as the wisest and richest man who ever lived in those times— gives instruction that starts with the words “Above all else…” Then he finishes it: “Guard your heart.” I’ve thought about that phrase for years. What we allow ourselves to be emotionally caught up in — anger, ego, the need to win an argument, the urge to prove someone wrong in a meeting — ends up driving our behavior more than we’d like to admit. Nearly every uncivil moment I’ve witnessed in a workplace started the same way: someone let their feelings take the wheel.
If I only got one sentence to leave behind for the people I lead, it would be this:
Above all else, be kind and coachable.
Not arrogant. Willing to listen. Always in learning mode. Willing to admit you can do better. That posture is the antidote to the toxic culture so many workplaces are dealing with right now.
Bringing Civility Back to Our Stores
So what does this look like on Monday morning in your store or your district?
It looks like a department manager who disagrees with a decision from corporate and says so directly and respectfully in the meeting — instead of nodding along and then venting to the team on the sales floor afterward. It looks like a leader who corrects a mistake without demeaning the person who made it. It looks like giving your associates your blessing — genuine encouragement — instead of only catching them when they mess up. It looks like treating the vendor rep, the new hire, and the customer who can’t make up their mind with the same respect you’d show the President of the company walking through your door.
It also looks like leaving your bad day at the door — at work and at home. Home is supposed to be our safe haven, but too often our families take the brunt of the frustration we’ve been holding in all day. Civility doesn’t get to clock out when we do.
None of this means we stop holding people accountable. Civility isn’t about avoiding hard conversations — it’s about having them the right way. Speak the truth. Hold the line on standards. But do it in a way that’s respectful, responsible, and restrained, not offensive, rude, demeaning, or threatening.
Civility, like every good habit, isn’t sustained through willpower on our best days — it’s sustained through consistency, especially on our worst ones. The secret isn’t perfection. It’s not letting one bad moment or one difficult customer or one hard conversation derail your intent to lead with respect.
My challenge to every leader reading this: this month, be the one who calls civility back into the room. Model it in your meetings. Demand it of yourself before you demand it of anyone else. And remember — your team is always watching what you do, far more than they’re listening to what you say.
When I was discussing with my wife, Melanie about this lesson, she said something that I thought was a perfect way to end this article:
“It used to be surprising when someone said something rude or acted hateful. Now it’s surprising when someone is simply polite. Somewhere along the way, we’ve accepted incivility as normal—and that’s exactly why each of us must choose to bring kindness back. Civility begins with one person, one conversation, one choice at a time.”
— Melanie J. Black
It’s time for a call of civility. Let’s answer it.
